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Trolling aside, it's remarkable that nobody has yet figured out a way to make something like this work. There was Smolt, but it wasn't installed everywhere and has been deprecated due to bitrot, with no actual replacement (there were plans for the census project, but its repository is absolutely empty). The idea behind it is sound, but for some reason we don't have a good implementation yet... And it doesn't sound like a difficult thing to create, either. So what gives?